I am not sure how to address you. Our interactions were so tumultuous. Did we ever really have a relationship?
But I am sorry.
I am sorry somewhere in your past you were so hurt, so abused, so demeaned as a human being, it cut you to the very core of who you were, who you are, leaving you a wounded, broken person in a corner. Like a wounded animal, anyone who approaches you, you consider them first an enemy, someone who will wound you again. And so the claws and teeth come out. I am sorry every word anyone speaks, every word I have spoken, were perceived as weapons instead of companions for the journey of life. You read into every word, every sentence spoken to you-- pain and judgment. I am so sorry you have not found your way out of that corner. I am so sorry you have not found healing. I am so sorry you know only the pain of words not the healing power of words.
I am sorry you feel such a need to protect yourself. You try to control the world and people around you. When someone comes into your life who does not allow you to control them, you have no room for them. You lash out and attack them. When there is a view or someone's experience which doesn't match yours, that view, that experience is dismissed, wrong--often in the name of God.
You once told me you always get what you want and that you want to give your daughters everything they want. I am sorry. There is a humility that comes with knowing when I get what I want, often times that means someone has gone without getting what they want or need. There is a freedom in knowing that when I don't get what I want, someone else can be blessed with what they want.
I am sorry you long for relationship and have not found it. I am sorry no one has been able to endure the barbs and attacks in order to love you. I am sorry I am not strong enough to endure them. I am sorry I don't know how to love you like you need me to.
I am sorry.