Living in Uncertainty

I am living in uncertainty. Living in the in between, once again. I am learning to find God in the midst of uncertainty, which is somewhat odd. In the churches I grew up in, we were told to be certain. Certain about the existence of God, certain that Scripture--word for word--is to be taken literally. Certain about what is a sin and what is holy. And so the picture I painted of a good Christian was one who lived in certainty. Any doubt showed weakness, any uncertainty showed a lack of faith.

But here I am, once again, in the midst of uncertainty. This is a place I am getting to know better as I get to know God and myself better. Seminary solidified my relationship with uncertainty. Here I go throwing myself at the mercy of God. Where you lead me I will go! But God is not one who gives us the full picture all at once. God is not one who gives us the answers and reasons all at once. And as I study Scripture, I seem to come up with more questions than answers.

I am living in uncertainty. It use to throw me into anxiety. But now it throws me into the arms of God. Perhaps this is where I need to be, simply trusting God, not the certainty of my situation. I am living in uncertainty and, you know, it is ok.

Into Your Hands

So I have submitted my work for ordination. And the words of Scripture that come to my mind are the words of Christ on the Cross, "Into your hands I commend my spirit." I wonder if, in a very small way, I am understanding those words a new. As Jesus said those words, was he saying, "Father, I have been obedient. I have proclaimed your kingdom, I have healed the sick, set the captives free, and when they turned on me I remained peaceful. I trust you to do what you said you will do." In his heart, did Christ say "but if I perish, still will I praise you"?
That is at least what I feel like I am saying today. God, I have been obedient. I have followed you this far. And now, I commend my life to you. I trust you are calling me. And whatever the outcome, I will praise you.

who do you think you are, running around leaving scars?

I heard a song on the radio the other day. "Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars?" We have all experienced the explosion of an emotional bomb and perhaps we have been the emotional bomb. Someone you may or may not know melts down, explodes. Shrapnel goes everywhere, leaving people bleeding in the wake.
"Who do you think you are, running around leaving scars?" I think we are human. We are all broken and hurt. And sometimes we explode, melt down and hurt others unintentionally. And sometimes we use the explosion intentionally. We leave people confused and uncomfortable at the very least and we leave others emotionally scarred.
Today, an emotional bomb went off next to me. And so while I want to ask who does this person think they are, I remember I have also been the one exploding. And the one who exploded, well, they are obviously in a lot of pain. They needed a place to explode, to let out that pain.