UM Ordination--reflection and advice

Ten years ago I joined the United Methodist Church with ordination as an elder (pastor) in the front of my mind and heart. My call into ministry is another story as is my joining the UMC. I knew the journey would be a long one. It is one of the "benefits" I saw in joining the UM. Now, I stand on the other side of ordination after 10 years of working towards this day.
First, in this reflection/advice, I do not want to downplay those who have had negative experiences in the UM process of ordination. My experience was extremely positive but that doesn't mean the process is perfect. I know of many stories but can only speak of my own.
1. I love the UM process because it is long. I know this is one of the big complaints against the process of ordination in the UM. The length of the process allows for challenges, affirmations, others to hear God's call. We often set our eyes on ordination and see the meetings with BoM, answering of the questions, meetings, etc. as hoops to be jumped through. I got lost in that task oriented approach every now and again. I got the most out of the process when I tried to find God in each meeting, each question, in each step. My advice to those still in process--find God's hand in every step of the process.
2. It is easy to downplay certified candidacy, commissioning, etc. as we focus on ordination but there is grace in every step. I rejoiced in becoming a certified candidate, in my commissioning, in my first appointment. I am reminded of the places in the Old Testament where God's people erected an altar to commemorate what God had done in their lives. The various steps in the process became stones of the altar for me. When I interviewed for ordination, I could look at this altar which was being laid stone by stone and rest that God has brought me this far. For those of you in the process, don't miss today's grace working towards the goal of ordination.
3. I was blessed with amazing District committees on ordained ministry and Boards of Ordained Ministry. I have been told how some boards have been combative and confrontational. The committees and boards I was honored to interview with were not that way. Instead I felt these committees and boards were journeying with me and listening to hear God's call on my life with me. I am not sure how much of that atmosphere was the personality of the Board/ Committee or how much my attitude helped create the atmosphere. I came into the process from denominations which didn't support women in ministry. So I was asking the UM to help me hear God's call. I entered each meeting surrendered to God and submitting to the UM. I never tried to prove myself, defend myself, or impress the board/committee that I was exactly what the UM was looking for. I simply shared my story, my experience of God, Scripture, ministry and let that speak for itself.
Ordination is not the end. It is a rest stop on the journey where I am rejoicing in God's grace, just like Commissioning was for me. And now, its back to ministry.

Preaching "Don't Worry" after facing the Board of Ordained Ministry

So God has quite the sense of humor. I have been doing a series through the Sermon on the Mount on Sunday mornings--interrupted here and there by a special speaker. The Sunday after I meet with the Board of Ordination--my scheduled section of the Sermon was on Matthew 6: 17-34--you know, the section about worrying and seeking first the Kingdom of God. After I have spent the past few months wrestling with the stress and anxiety of ordination, I get to preach "don't worry."
So it was an honest discussion--not quite a sermon. It didn't feel right to "preach" this sermon since I myself had been anxious at times. After months of wrestling with this passage and failing at times, here are my thoughts on "seek first the Kingdom."
1. I have always interpreted "seeking first the Kingdom of God" as spending alone time with God--devotions, meditation, prayer, Scripture reading,etc. I still get anxious. I still worry. Do I need more alone time? or do is there more to seeking God's Kingdom? I concluded there is more than personal devotions involved in seeking God's Kingdom.
2. Seeking God's Kingdom is seeing in every event or circumstance which causes anxiety the opportunity to experience God. My faith is being pushed to the edge. God promises to meet me there. When I am anxious, seeking the Kingdom means I will believe God and look to see God's provision in the midst of the circumstance.
3. Seeking God's Kingdom means every circumstance is an opportunity for me to join Christ's redemptive work. How can I reflect the Kingdom of God in the midst of this circumstance?
So what does it look like for you to seek the Kingdom of God first?

Exhaling and Inhaling

I exhale. I exhale the years of oppression, the years of fear, the years of "no, you can't."
And I inhale once again a sweet fragrance which expands my imagination and frees my spirit. Grace has never smelled sweeter.
Each step of this journey from being a little girl in a cage to ordination has had this lingering aroma of grace. At first it was a small scent which drew me out of my cage. Yesterday it was as if I dove into a field of lilies. And life blooms around me and in me.
God's grace was strong enough not just to save me from sin and from eternity apart from God. God's grace is enough to save me fully to serve God not as a second hand citizen but as a full child. I am not inferior. Nor am I superior.
For so many years I was second class because I was a woman. I was saved by God's grace. But somehow to those who taught me, I could not hear God as well as a man. I could not teach men because I was a woman. God's grace was not strong enough to restore me to equality with men--one created in the image of God, created to be a partner with men in the work of God. And so I had a lesser place.
But this journey to ordination has offered me the opportunity to experience the grace of God in a new way. God chooses whom he will to use and work through.
So I exhale all the years of being told no and all the years of fear and inferiority. I inhale the Grace of God.

The journey to ordination

Tomorrow I meet with the Board of Ordained ministry to seek approval for ordination. This journey has been long, tiresome, affirming, marvelous, exciting, stressful. I have plunged to the depths of my fears and risen to the heights of hope in Christ.

As I have written my answers, submitted my work, and prepared for tomorrow, I feel naked and exposed. I am opening myself up for critique, evaluation, and hopefully affirmation. I am risking everything, it feels like. I am jumping off the cliff of the known and praying God will catch me. So here I go...................

Into Your Hands

So I have submitted my work for ordination. And the words of Scripture that come to my mind are the words of Christ on the Cross, "Into your hands I commend my spirit." I wonder if, in a very small way, I am understanding those words a new. As Jesus said those words, was he saying, "Father, I have been obedient. I have proclaimed your kingdom, I have healed the sick, set the captives free, and when they turned on me I remained peaceful. I trust you to do what you said you will do." In his heart, did Christ say "but if I perish, still will I praise you"?
That is at least what I feel like I am saying today. God, I have been obedient. I have followed you this far. And now, I commend my life to you. I trust you are calling me. And whatever the outcome, I will praise you.